The Breakup

Dear Fear,

So we have been in a relationship for quite a while. I knew you before I knew much of anything else. When you first entered my life you protected me and kept me safe from danger. I don’t want you to feel I am unappreciative of that, because I am, but as I got older and bolder and attempted to venture out on my own, you did not approve.

You held me back from pursuing my dreams. You convinced me people would laugh and mock me. I was told I would never make it and failing would be my only destiny if I were to step out of the comfort zone you created for me. Any attempts to engage in a new adventure was met with a condescending whisper and a disappointing glare. I was discouraged from making new connections as they may be a poor influence on me, actually encouraging me to pursue my passion. When I did dare to believe, and something happened which temporarily set me back, you were there reminding me of how ridiculous I looked and how I should never attempt such foolishness again. You persuaded me that there was too much hurt in the world for me to venture out and try to love. You said I may be rejected so I should not bother making the effort.

You told me…

“I would not amount to anything.”

“I would be rejected.”

“I would only fail at my dreams.”

“I would be hurt.”

“I would look foolish.”

“I do not have what it takes.”

Your words are hurtful and they hold me back. I know you believe you are doing what is best for me, but I need to be able to dream and pursue and love. I have met someone who has told me it is okay to do these things.

He told me…

“I am loved”

“I am never forsaken”

“Through Him, nothing is impossible.”

“I can do all things through Him.”

So fear, I am going to have to ask you to leave now. You have protected me, but you have held me back for far too long. I have someone who makes it okay for me to dream again. I have someone who not only believes in the passions I have, but actually placed them there in the first place. Don’t worry fear, Jesus will take good care of me and if I fall, He will lift me up and if I am rejected by all others, He will always love me, and if I look foolish in pursuit of my dreams, then I am in good company because people thought Jesus looked silly but the things He accomplished made it totally worth it. Jesus has me now and He will take good care of me. So long fear, it’s not me, it’s you. This just isn’t working anymore. We are going down different paths now. It just wasn’t meant to be. I just don’t need you any more. Sayonara fear.

Nevermore yours,

Vanessa

 

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Crazy

There are times in our lives when we feel forgotten, forsaken, excluded, unwanted, uninvited, unloved, etc. We question our placement and assignment from God. We attempt to remain faithful, standing on what we believe God spoke to us, but wonder if we have gone completely crazy, questioning ourselves and questioning what we thought we heard. We struggle, we debate, we deny, we yell, we cry, we scream, we repeat, sometimes multiple times throughout the day. We finally determine to believe, but are so easily swayed by the winds of circumstances that we find ourselves questioning our sanity at every turn of events.

We square back our shoulders and insist that this time will be different and we will stand firm on what we know was heard, but the current circumstance only seems to mock us and taunt us, throwing in our face, just how far everything seems to be from the promise God made. We search for comfort, support, and help through prayer and scriptures, reading of those strong in their faith, waiting out the odds. We recall the great stories of the bible and inquire how to have faith like that. We recollect from our own lives and become inquisitive, searching for where that faith to move mountains went. It was there. It spoke to storms and told it to halt. Faith to move when God said move, even if the details were not completely worked out.

There was faith enough to believe God would provide what seemed like impossible financial support. Where is that faith? Where did it go? What happened to it? Did the weight of the current circumstances crush it like a delicate flower after a heavy rain? Has this situation frightened it away, causing it to cower in the dark corners of the soul? Perhaps the faith is still there, but buried so deep underneath the layers of hurt and brokenness, smothered beneath the anger and confusion like a seedling buried under a late winter snow. Perhaps it is still there, but you just can’t see it, or feel it, or barely remember it.  What was it like to really have faith? How did it feel to look at the improbable odds that were stacked against you and laugh, completely confident God was going to work in your favor? Do you remember? Can you catch a glimpse?

Dig deep, deeper, deeper. It has to be in there, it has to be, it is needed, it is required. If there is any way of making it through this situation with our sanity, then it has to be found, recovered, pulled from the depths, whatever it takes. It is like diving into the drink cooler, searching for your favorite soda. Your hand enters the chill, your nerves sends chill bumps up your arm, your fingers tingle, but you just can’t seem to find the right can, so despite the early warnings of frostbite, you dig deeper, up to your elbow now, scouring the bottom of the cooler, passing can upon can, but never settling, desperately searching, your fingers are numb, your hand is pulsing, but you keep going, determined to pursue until you can emerge victorious.

Perhaps that is what it takes. Dig deep. Dig in pass the anger, the hurt, push aside the bitterness and brokenness, shove pass the confusion, dig deeper than the doubt, and determine within yourself to reach that faith, no matter how buried it may be. No matter how cold your hands get, no matter how numb you feel, or how difficult it becomes, determine to keep digging until you arise triumphant. Until your faith can be seen again, felt again, heard again. It only takes the tiniest of a hole, the size of a grain of a mustard seed it big enough to give your faith room to grow. You just have to give it a chance.

Allow yourself to believe in the long shot, tell yourself it is okay to pursue that passion, let yourself trust what seems to be impossible. Does this make you crazy? Probably, but do it anyway. Keep pressing forward, keep believing, keep standing on that yes when everything around you screams no, keep chasing that dream, despite the roadblocks, keep believing it will happen, regardless of the naysayers. Keep believing in that crazy, impossible, improbable, totally outrageous, wacky, zany, implausible, thing, dream, passion, word, whatever it is, dig it out and let it live because it won’t seem quite so crazy and impossible when it comes to pass.